Tuesday, April 12, 2005

People continue to check up on me, and say they miss being able to keep tabs on things through blog posts. Mary has really taken up the slack here while I've been strugglinig with doubts about having anything meaningful to say. So, I thought I'd offer this brief update and say I'm doing OK, all things considered. I think about Will several times each day, still sparked by things both obvious and not. Lately, I think about him as I go about my day, getting back into routines. The simplest thing, like running an errand while Mary is out doing something else, makes me think of what we had expected the spring to be like. One of us would always have been home to watch Will. Both of us would have been more than willing to make such scheduling changes if it meant spending time with him. I almost used the word "sacrifice" there, but it would have been incorrect. There is nothing I can imagine giving up that would have seemed anything more than trivial if time with Will was the alternative. Instead, we're able to get back to the same old things we had done before. I can go play basketball when I want (and this I need; you have no idea how out of shape you can get when your only exercise for three months is walking from the parking ramp to the hospital), we can go out to dinner without a thought or we can leave town on a moment's notice. How much would I give to instead be tied to the house to watch my son?

At least we have the opportunity to do something that feels consequential. We're really looking forward to the walks for March of Dimes and the Preeclampsia Foundation. Each allows us (and others who will join us) to do something. None of it will bring Will back, of course, but it all will help to keep his spirit alive as we work to help others avoid the same kind of heartbreak we face each day.

To that end, we said right after Will died that we would meet with his doctors in the spring to talk about what he faced and how our fund might help them to deal with that in other babies. Well, it's spring, and I can't say I'm much closer to being ready for that kind of discussion. We will do this eventually, however, and have the fund safely tucked away at the bank until the time is right.

So, thanks to everyone who continues to reach out through e-mail, cards and phone calls. It helps to know that people still are pulling for us. This is going to be a long, hard journey if these first couple of months are any indication. I really, really miss my boy.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was good to hear from you guys again. I still check the blog quite often to see how you two are doing. Please know that I'm still thinking of you two and I hope the coming months will get better. Will is still in my thoughts and you are still in my prayers.

Jenni Knutson (Ann's Friend)

3:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

John and Mary,
When my husband died, I felt as though someone ripped out my heart and then said, "OK, now go live your life."
He was sick and not expected to live long so his death, while way too soon, was not unexpected.
The hole where my heart was has something in it again. I can tell funny stories about him and not have people shuffle uncomfortably. He's still missed, but not so desperately now.
I can't imagine losing Will if he was my boy. I would still wonder how people could go about their daily lives again when there is such a huge hole in mine.
I can't offer you comfort because that is not within our power. I can tell you that my late husband LOVED babies. If Will needs a tickle or a soothing hand, he will have it.

10:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've seen you both around town a few times, and we always exchange the "How are you?" and "Fine" comments. You always smile graciously. However, I know that no day is just "fine," the way it once was. I understand that you walk around in the bright beauty of a spring day with dark sorrow still in your hearts. I want you to know that I realize my words are useless in the face of such loss. But I hope that our small exchanges of human connection will somehow make the world more bearable for you both. In those moments when we run into each other, I don't talk about what you must both be feeling, but I want you to know that I don't forget.

Leah K.

4:45 PM  

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